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Dog Funnies

Dog Philosophy

“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue” - Anonymous

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does” - Christopher Morley

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down” - Robert Benchley

“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs” - Martha Scott

“A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours” - Anonymous

“If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons” - James Thurber

“Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful” - Ann Landers

“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of” - Ogden Nash

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went” - Will Rogers

“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window” - Steve Bluestone

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face” - Ben Williams

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person” - Andrew A. Rooney

“If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them” - Phil Pastoret

“Never judge a dog's pedigree by the kind of books he does not chew” - Anonymous

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'” - Dave Barry

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear” - Dave Barry

“Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!” - Anne Tyler

“Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement” - Snoopy

“If you don't own a dog, at least one, there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life” - Roger Caras

“We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made” - M. Acklam

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives” - Rita Rudner

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea” - Robert A. Heinlein

“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole” - Roger Caras

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself” - Josh Billings

Doggie Dictionary

Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

Drool: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.

Sniff: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Deafness: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

Bath: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

Bump: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular Bump doesn't get the attention your require ... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

Children: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return

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